We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
