hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
