Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
