now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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