Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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