I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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