You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
