Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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