mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
