my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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