today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
