Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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