I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
