You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
