Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
