I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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