I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
