before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
