Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
