Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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