This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
