fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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