i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
