i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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