Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
3 2 1 whiskey
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
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