He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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