I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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