Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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