I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
