I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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