i was born a porn star she said
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
