I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
