that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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