twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
