just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
