Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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