You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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