remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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