I wish life had little blips of pornography
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
