My cat gives me a boner
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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