I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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