i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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