And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
