You made me cry and you don't even care
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
