so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
