so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
