We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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