Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
