I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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