I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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