I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
