I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
