i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize