her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
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you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
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I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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