You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
