Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I will die if light touches me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Randomize
