Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
