life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
